Ninja Assassin

Got a ‘Rain’y day?  Go see this flick.  It’s absolutely one of the best mindless action movies I’ve seen in a long, long while.  Imagine a classic Arnold movie… only Asian.

Refund

You know those movies that are so bad you wish you could get your money back?  I know we’ve all seen plenty, and I think we can all agree that they usually leave you with a feeling of anger, resentment, and possibly nausea.  Well, last night I saw the shit pile to top all shit piles.  2012 is, without any doubt in my mind, the worst movie I’ve ever seen.  You won’t see me review movies much on this site.  Music is my forte, and even though there are a million jerk offs writing on both mediums, I’m just not into movies enough to feel as if my opinion qualifies.  Unless, of course, I see something so beautiful or, in this case, utterly repulsive that remaining quiet would be a disservice to the 3-4 poor suckers who read this blog.

Look, I was ready to walk out 30 minutes in.  I wish I could say that I’m thankful to my friends for keeping me in the seat, but the truth is I’m really not.  The whole time I’m sitting there, I’m thinking, “what an absolute waste!”  2012 could have rocked.  I’m hardly one of these guys who’s above a disaster flick.  I still enjoy Armageddon as mush as I did when I was in middle school, and 2012 should have surpassed it.  The cast is just as solid, and the subject matter is a) way more ostensibly appealing, and b) tailor made for the uber-budget disaster flicks director Roland Emmerich likes to make (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow).  Unfortunately, 2012 is simply one of these haphazard projects that was probably doomed from the start.

For starters, while the CGI was undeniably impressive, there were definitely whole sections that seemed no more impressive than the intro graphics in a good video game.  Come on, Hollywood.  You must be able to do better.  For Christ sakes, don’t tell me James Cameron can create god-knows-what kind of mayhem in Avatar, and you guys can’t be discerning enough to spot some shoddy sections.  Isn’t that what the money’s for?  Furthermore, and this is not exaggeration, I have never seen a movie chock full of more cliches.  And not just disaster flick cliches.  I’m talking about the most trite dramatic touches from any genre.  These are more-than-capable actors, and while I’m sure they were compensated handsomely, I couldn’t help but feel bad for Cusack, Glover, and Ejiofor throughout 3/4 of the flick.

As if the whole fucked reality of 2012 isn’t upsetting enough, I had to sit here this morning and read a 4-star review from The Washington Post.  To all you readers of this, admittedly illustrious, paper: don’t drink the cool-aid.  The author of the review posits that 2012 is a disaster film ‘without peer,’ and while I see his point that there is nary another movie whose plot is as ambitious, that doesn’t mean it’s a success.  His arguments about the competent level of the acting is plain laughable.  And of course, the one scene whose effects he complements, is, in my opinion, the most glaring toss-off throughout.  Believe me, there are some effects that are undeniably awe inspiring (particularly the volcano scene), but… well, I think you’ll just have to see for yourself.

Wait, no, please don’t see this movie.  If anything, just do something else, anything else, for 158 minutes, and wait for this hell pit to hit DVD.  In my opinion, 2012 would have been much better off as a straight-to-DVD cult flick, resoundingly adopted by stoners with HD TV’s.  Living rooms with bongs and beer bottles strewn about are actually much better locales for this dud, than a theatre with people trapped by the guilt of dropping $10 in fucked economic times.  Finally, I’m certainly not someone above admitting I was wrong.  There are definitely instances in which, further down the road, I see the error in my ways.  But in this case, I’ve never been more sure that I’m on the ball.

Where the Wild Things Are

The hype is already established.  The critics are raving.  We all know the story.  We’ve all seen the trailer.  And now I’m telling you that this movie is 200% worth the price of admission.  I’ve never seen anything like it.  Spike Jonze has absolutely surpassed any expectation you could have leveled upon him.  Where “Being John Malkovich” was conceptually groundbreaking, “Wild Things” is, simply put, visually awe inspiring.  Furthermore, Jonze and Dave Eggers took Sendak’s original 10 sentences of dialogue, and created a masterful think-piece on the nature of childhood, isolation, self-expression, and self-discovery.  Listen, see this movie as soon as possible.  I simply can’t emphasize this point enough.  It’s just one of those movies whose importance is so clearly established irrespective of whatever acclaim may come its way.  Whether it’s an era-defining film I can’t say, but it has certainly set a new bar for what can be done with the medium.

City of God

I’ve always been somewhat behind the times.  Or to put it another way: I seem to miss out on most popular things in the peak of their popularity.  Now, while I would like to say that’s usually a consequence of me having tapped into a cooler scene, the reality is that I’m probably just unaware or too lazy to get with it like everyone else.  The clearest example of this is my acquisition of music.  Some of the really scene-y bands [read: Passion Pit, MGMT] are now staples in my library, but I was totally unaware of them until two months ago.  Right.  I absolutely read about both acts long before that, but I was complacent, and now I look like a poseur when I cue them up at a party.  But this particular example only points out a relatively brief period of being in the dark (two months).  In some instances, I exclude myself for much longer.

For the better part of 4 years I’ve been aware of the film City of God, and I only just watched it this morning.  Why is this significant?  People have been raving to me about this flick for all this time – absolutely gushing with adulation – and still I put it off.  Laziness.  And of course, now I know that City of God is an utterly magnificent picture; bordering on perfect.  Seriously, baring that I encounter the rare masterpiece, I doubt I will see a better movie this year, and this angers me.  This particular instance isn’t even about me being part of the conversation – “Yea I’ve seen that movie, and it’s amazing.” – it’s more that I can’t believe I deprived myself of such a masterful work of art for as long as I did.

So if you’re like me and you constantly put it off for later, or if you just had no idea it existed, WAKE UP… CEASE AND DESIST… and see City of God as soon as you can.